The Invention of the Parachute

Monsieur and Madame Garnerin

Monsieur and Madame Garnerin – A love story for the ages

Before I jump out of a plane this weekend for the first (and hopefully only) time, I thought I’d do some research on those who had preceded me. This is what I found. While the invention of the frameless parachute is (almost) unanimously attributed to Andre-Jacques Garnerin, few knew how it really happened. Until now…

Andre, who had been chewing with his mouth open on a croissant, suddenly realised the conversation was still going on.

“Hrrmphfgght?” he spluttered.

“My wife was just saying, Monsieur Garnerin,” harrumphed an indignant Lacoste, “that the English have taken prisons to a whole new level, sending all of their nimble-fingered poverty-stricken to an island on the other side of the world.”

The elderly couple laughed derisively, and Garnerin was suddenly filled with an urge to kill them both. A holiday to the other side of the world would be nice – but this wasn’t England, this was FRANCE – where stealing a baguette was likely to end in you getting your head cut off in front of thousands of people and then kicked through the streets by children before being discarded and left to be consumed by ravenous pigeons and the homeless. How embarrassing. You’d never live it down.

“If only we could find somewhere to send our own poor people… I mean… criminals. Don’t you agree, Mr Garnerin?” asked Madame Lacoste. She raised her right eyebrow so high it climbed over her scalp, down her back and was never seen again. Continue reading

Papal Party Time

image

So I found out today that it was the Pope’s birthday this week.

He turned 79, so good on him. He doesn’t look a day over.. well.. 79 – but given that his predecessors John Paul II and Ratzinger/Benedict XVI each looked about 150 I’d say he’s doing pretty well. Continuing my recent meme binge and in the birthday spirit, I just couldn’t help myself. Here’s to you, Pope Frankie.

Er Mah Perp

If you’re remotely familiar with the wonderful world of the internet, there’s a good chance you’ve seen the ERMAHGERD, GERSEBERMS Meme. It’s my favourite, and it’s great. A few months back I even read an article where they tracked down the girl in it and found out that it’s had, well, little impact on her life.

As good as it is to have an awkward teenager ‘voicing’ such a sentiment, surely if anyone should be getting so excited that they reference the Lord, it should be the Pope. I was reminded of the fact I’ve previously had this thought when Facebook reminded me the other day that I made and posted this meme a year ago: perp Continue reading

Tony Abbott vs Timmy Trumpet – Freaks (#auspol REMIX)

freakscoverFrom the guy who bought you that Abbottrang video back when the election campaign was on (me), here’s a BRAND SPANKING NEW Tony Abbott jam full of highlights and characters from the year gone by. It’s a pretty freaking awesome track, too.

If you ask me it’s the best one. I was going to say best one yet but it’s unlikely I’ll do another. Unlike the others, this was made during time I WASN’T paid for, more for fun. Will it catch on? Most probably not. I’ve probably chosen a bad time to release it but my Adobe trial ends soon and I’m impatient. Maybe I’ll push it again before NYE, maybe I’ll even let the artist know – hopefully he takes it as a compliment.

Aaanyway, ENJOY! Or don’t. I really don’t care.

Target’s Grand Theft Morality

GTAV

The game stereotypes stoners! I’m off to change.org!

If you’re even remotely interested in either video games or moral decency, there’s a chance you’ve heard, at some stage this week, that the retailers Target and KMart have decided to stop selling copies of Grand Theft Auto V (GTA V from here out.)

They’ve cited the violence against women that the game portrays as their justification, which in itself is hard to argue against. Sure there’s the actual auto theft, the mowing down of a host of innocent civilians (female and male), the heists and the glorification of all violence (and let’s face it, it’s fucking fun), but lets go with the violence against women thing. It was White Ribbon day last week y’know!

The move was apparently started by an online petition by domestic violence victims, who seemingly didn’t realise the game has already been out for a year and is part of a franchise that has never changed its mentality about violence – AND HAS BEEN COMING OUT SINCE 1998. Continue reading

Javid’s Halloween Horror Hotels Guide

sh_8_3-620x463It’s Halloween – an occasion I can recognise the importance of, but also lament the importation of every year as more and more Australian kids join in on the distinctly American tradition of developing diabetes while wearing a costume. Anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. I eat way too much chocolate (or candy if you’re American) as it is. I don’t need a freaking occasion, OR a stupid costume. As a matter of fact it’s quite often a spoon and a jar of nutella in my underwear on the couch late at night.

But I’m getting off track.

I will say this, the work I’ve been undertaking (good, unintentional pun there) lately has a lot to do with hotels, and as we move towards this annual occasion I couldn’t help but wonder why the hell TripAdvisor or some other organisation hasn’t decided to embrace the theme. Who knows, maybe they have and I just missed it. Continue reading