Assholes On A Train III – Taking A Seat


Where common courtesy comes to die

You might think that I’ve been using my public transport posts solely as a means of ranting about the types of people I don’t like.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s a large part of it, but occasionally I like to think I can also do a public service and examine the unspoken rules that exist within this unique social subset of a couple of hundred people crammed together for an hour or so.

As well as identifying the assholes that we all have to endure, sometimes I’ll try my best to provide you with helpful information so that you don’t end up as one of those assholes yourself.

TODAY’S LESSON: Relinquishing your seat

It’s early morning and you’ve got a seat! YAY!  Even better than that, you find yourself surrounded by decent human beings who aren’t displaying the traits I’ve previously mentioned. What a beautiful world! Suddenly the doors open (hopefully when the train has stopped) and you’re confronted with the issue of whether or not to give up your seat. OMFG WHAT DO YOU DO?

First and foremost, if you’re under 21 (perhaps even 25) – GET UP YOU SELFISH PRICK. You don’t get to analyse the situation, you don’t get any exemptions, just get up.  You’re young enough to endure a crowded commute on your feet, the world doesn’t care about your problems, and you probably don’t have the weary, relatively unenjoyable life that most people older than you do. Not yet, anyway. Don’t make people hate your generation… more. Your time will come one day, but today isn’t it.

When you get a bit older, and if you happen to be a healthy male like myself, just get up anyway. Don’t sit there and evaluate whether you’re the youngest. I looked 25 when I was 15, and you’re not as good a judge of age as you think you are.

BUT WAIT, ISN’T THAT SEXIST? What about if you’re a young woman – are you automatically more entitled to a seat than a male of equivalent age and health?  You might think so but WHAT ABOUT FEMINISM? If a young man gets up and offers you his seat, is he a chivalrous gentleman or is he actually A SEXIST PIG WHO IS CONTRDICTING EVERYTHING YOUR EGALITARIAN PREDECESSORS FOUGHT FOR? When I was a kid I was always left with the impression that a guy should get up and offer his seat to a woman. I now know that the people who left me with this impression are rampant sexists with outdated views that don’t suit today’s progressive society. Women should be allowed to stand, and be grateful for their right to do so.


Blame THEM!

And the same thing applies to giving up your seat. If someone gets on the train who is pregnant, has young children in tow, is clearly injured/disabled or visibly over the age of 60, you should be forfeiting your seat anyway, IRRESPECTIVE OF YOUR GENDER. Being a young, healthy woman doesn’t make you any less able to exercise consideration for your fellow passengers, and you should, really, be just as willing to give up your seat in the aforementioned circumstances than a young man – BUT YOU’D BE SURPRISED. STOP PRETENDING YOU’RE ASLEEP YOU BITCH! RARGH. NO ONE BELIEVES IT, and you conveniently wake up just as the train leaves each and every station, and ‘fall asleep’ just as the next station approaches! Or you ‘wake up’ every time you get a message on the phone that is permanently affixed to your hand and you never drop! What a coincidence!

There is one subset of people who will board a train expecting to receive a seat because of their condition, but who should be readily ignored and perhaps even forced to stand irrespective of how crowded the train is. THE MORBIDLY OBESE. Don’t get me wrong, if they get a seat/s before you, and don’t expect anyone to get up, so be it. They’re definitely not getting up for you, so don’t even bother.

To all the fatties who expect people to give up their seat for them, I say this:

Your condition is not an ‘injury’. Yes, you’ve got a heavier burden to carry than a pregnant woman , but at least a pregnant woman is bringing life into the world. What are you bringing? Not a whole lot apart from two seats worth of ass and a smell that incapacitates the nostrils of anyone within a 10-metre radius. On a carriage with the air-conditioning broken? FORGET ABOUT IT.

By not surrendering your seat to a morbidly obese person under the premise of some kind of ‘disability’, you’re doing them a favour. Not only will standing be good for them, but for them to be given a seat by someone just for being the way they’ve made themselves JUSTIFIES THEIR FUCKED UP RATIONALE. It suddenly becomes some kind of twisted reward, or benefit, for being the way they are.

There’s a pretty damn good chance that these people don’t have jobs that involve a lot of walking or physical labour. They already live a sedentary lifestyle, and really there’s a high probability that they don’t do much standing in their own personal time either. You’re giving them practice, so good on YOU! If something as simple as standing up for a prolonged period can make them sweat, you’re giving them exercise.


“What the fuck is an Opal card?”

I’m nearly at my station, so there you have it. You would think that common sense would be a clear indicator of when this is and isn’t a problem, but you’d be surprised. For those of you missing a modicum of manners and decency, I say you’re welcome. The next time you’re confronted with the problem of giving up your seat, think of me, think of feminism, think of fat pricks. By the time you’ve finished thinking of all of that, hopefully someone else will have given up their seat and you won’t have to deal with it anyway.



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