Assholes on a Train Part II: Assholier Than Thou

pennoI honestly didn’t expect the first instalment of my contempt for pricks on public transport to receive much attention, but it got more than anything else I’ve written for about a year. It helps to know that I’m not alone in my unabashed hatred for these public transport pricks.

Did you honestly think that there were only two types? Ha! I present to you now the long-awaited (2 days) sequel, featuring even more of those fuckwits we all love to hate.

FULLY SICK (kents)

With the weather in Sydney going from 40 degrees to 20 in the space of 24 FREAKING HOURS, illnesses can easily take hold and develop. In winter it’s even worse. There are few places that leave you more likely to get something contagious than the close confines of public transport, SO IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COUGH LIKE A RESPECTABLE HUMAN BEING THEN YOU SHOULD JUST GET THE FUCK OFF! The amount of people that struggle to exercise any restraint or consideration for others when expelling their particles of death juice from their head is unfathomable. Whether you’re sitting in a seat and the person next to you keeps sniffing endlessly with no intention of blowing, or you feel the wonderful warm breath of someone behind you coughing down your neck because they can’t PUT A HAND IN FRONT OF THEIR GODDAM MOUTH, flu season helps you realise how much people suck, and how it might not be so bad to bring back the death penalty.

If you have any friends who are anti-vaccination dipshits, take them and their child on a train. They’ll either wake up and realise that other people are fucking disgusting, or they’ll contract so many illnesses it isn’t funny (poetic, maybe, but not funny…. OK, a little bit funny). They’ll change their tune quick-smart.

sneeze

Just wait until she switches hands

Far less subtle than my previously mentioned tactics, the next time someone feels like sharing their illness with everyone and you’re in their proximity, CALL THEM OUT ON IT! Hopefully they’ll be so embarrassed they might actually make the effort to pull out the tissue that’s been in their back pocket, or at least cover their mouth next time they have to sneeze.

And if they don’t? KEEP GOING. What are they going to do, fight you? They’re sick! One swift whack to the head will mess with their no doubt infected sinuses and throw them off balance. They’ll fall to the floor doused in shame and mucus, while your fellow passengers hoist you upon their shoulders and sing a spontaneously improvised hymn to your greatness.

TWO-SEATERS

No, I’m not (necessarily) talking about fat pricks. I’ll get to them another time.

How much fun is it when you get on a practically full train and think you’ve spotted a clear seat, only to find out that someone has their shopping bag, or their handbag, or their man-bag, where you or someone else could in fact be sitting comfortably?

If you’re already nodding your head and thinking ‘those assholes’, your head will no doubt pick up speed to the point of sustaining whiplash when I mention the fact that 80% of these people are CONVENIENTLY ASLEEP every time a fresh bunch of potential neighbours get on board. Bull-fucking-shit.

douche

Picture found in the dictionary next to ‘douchebag’

I could rant and rave about the blatant selfishness these people possess (and I guess I am a bit), but why be that guy when I can offer a solution? You’re already no doubt thinking of a few yourself. You could politely ‘ahem’ in the hope that they’ll ‘wake up’ and rectify the situation, and they probably will, BUT WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?!

You could take something from their bag, or simply pretend to by rummaging around inside for a while. Oh, what’s that? SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WERE ASLEEP! You could take close up photos of them with your phone and be surprised at just how easily they ‘wake up’.

You could just go ahead and SIT on their bag. SORRY I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU, I DIDN’T KNOW IF THE BAG WAS YOURS BECAUSE, I MEAN, WHO THE FUCK LEAVES IT ON A SEAT ON A PEAK HOUR TRAIN? WHO CONSIDERS THEIR PERSONAL EFFECTS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FELLOW MAN/WOMAN? Oh wait, A LOT OF PEOPLE.

If you’re feeling an extra ounce or two of bravado, go one step further and SIT ON THEIR LAP. If you’re feeling like getting arrested or punched in the face, STRADDLE THEM. SORRY, I DIDN’T WANT TO SIT ON YOUR BAG. IT’S OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT AND I MEAN, IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME TO SIT ON YOUR LAP I’M SURE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE PUT YOUR BAG ON THE FUCKING SEAT.

Ahem. Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I’ll leave it at that, but THERE WILL BE MORE. If you or a friend can think of a particular public transport archetype that you’d like me to rant endlessly about, drop me an email at piepersdavid@gmail.com – I promise it will be nonsensical and filled with rage.

Until next time, see you on the all stations to fucksville. Or the 507 from Central to St Marys. Either way.

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