Meating Up With Cancer



It’s hard to believe it’s been over six months since I’ve taken the time to spew my vitriolic contempt for society and… write movie reviews. Don’t worry, I’m not dead, although with the amount of processed meat I’m eating I might be soon.

I’d explain my long absence, but you don’t care, and the more time I take doing that, the less time I have to captivate your attention/ire with hate-filled rants. Suffice it to say I’m a father now and I never have to go to university again, but the two things aren’t related. Not that I’m aware of anyway.

BUT WHERE TO BEGIN? Many things have filled me with hatred and contempt for my fellow man in these last six months. The disgusting and inconsiderate things people do on the train are enough for a month’s worth of irate ramblings alone, but there have been so many other things that I’ve forgotten in the meantime. The rage section of my memory fills up so frequently that it only goes back about a month or so before it has to start deleting things.

Perhaps the best place to start, if a little too late, is with the processed meat issue. In case you missed the shocking news on The Project or Buzzfeed, the World Health Organisation recently listed processed meats including bacon, salami and other salty, meaty, ground sacks of deliciousness as carcinogenic. Before you get the dictionary out, a carcinogen is something that causes cancer.

Scientists have found that, believe it or not, if you choose to eat 50g of processed meat A DAY, EVERY DAY, you increase your risk of developing colorectal (bum) cancer by a significant margin. Yes, that’s right, if you eat two rashers of bacon every day for the rest of your life, you might die earlier than someone who doesn’t. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? I thought my sausage-only diet was going to help me live to 120!

According to reports, the results mean if 100 people ate processed meat every day for the rest of their lives, the number of them to contract cancer would RISE DRAMATICALLY from about six to… seven… out of 100. Yet processed meat is now in the same category as tobacco, if you don’t read too much into it.

This is hyperbole at its worst, but it’s been leapt upon by vegetarians and animal conservationists alike as a cause for joy, validating their conceited opinions and allowing them, somehow, to enjoy the idea of someone who disagrees with their ideology dying – because that’s not messed up in itself, is it? All animals are created equal… but… I forget the rest.

giphyWhy don’t these people go further and campaign for the increased consumption of processed meat, so that all of us horrible meat-eaters die a lot sooner than we’re supposed to and leave the vegetarian idealists with their plethora of kale and a world covered in animal shit?

Both the studies and expert opinions claim that this is a reason for people to cut down on their consumption, not to quit entirely, and that meat also has many benefits, but who cares about that nonsense when MEAT GIVES YOU CANCER sounds so much more terrifying?

Cancer causing or not, do the revellers really think that anyone who consumes 50g or more of processed meat per day is under the misguided impression that what they’re doing is healthy? Or that they even CARE? The idea that my life span might be cut short if I decide to eat bacon for breakfast every day for the rest of my life Is far more logical than terrifying, but I quit smoking last year anyway so that cancels it out, right? If there are people out there who are so stupid as to believe that consuming that much processed meat has no side-effect whatsoever, can’t we just let Darwinism run its course?

If coffee caused cancer, that would be another story – but in five years or less we’ll all be told that it does anyway, so I’m just trying to get as much of it in as I can while the going is good.

And you vegetarians – what’s to say that your lifestyle isn’t just as unhealthy in some way that bored scientists are yet to discover? Not long after we find out coffee causes cancer, we’ll find out that all the pesticides used in agricultural mass production, or whatever scientific concoctions they put in GM food, cause cancer as well, then you’re stuffed too! You’ll think “oh but I grow my own lettuce and I don’t spray it with anything”, well guess what? In a couple more years we’ll find out that TOO MUCH ROUGHAGE gives you cancer, or that all the pollution in the air has tainted your soil making everything that you grow pretty much posion. Then the WHO or the UN will tell us again how we should all be eating bugs, before eventually a report will be released saying we should all eat more meat again, and asking why we stopped, because that’s the cyclic nature of bullshit (of which there will be plenty when we all stop eating meat).

The new cancer sticks... delicious

The new cancer sticks… delicious

I’m OK with your decision to be a vegetarian. Hell, that means more meat for me; more meat that was once adorable, fluffy, had a face and maybe even a name (or a serial number at least), before being brutally slaughtered for my consumption. Delicious. Unhealthy? Maybe, but I’ve put Bok Choy in my mouth and seen it a few hours later look EXACTLY THE SAME. At least meat gets digested beyond discernible recognition.

What I’m not OK with is your stupid belief that making a lifestyle choice gives you some kind of moral high ground on what goes into EVERYONE’S body. If you’re grasping at straws and minute percentages to try and justify your own choices, maybe you should be asking why you made them in the first place – and whatever the answer is, that should be enough for you.

Yes, too much meat is bad for you, but if you eat too many carrots you can start to change colour (although it’s probably healthier than a spray-tan). Logic and stupidity both exist in the world, no matter what you decide to eat. It’s all part of that big Caesar salad called life, so let’s all just shut up and chow down.

But for the love of god, no anchovies.


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