Don’t Go Hoarse Over Horses

horse-bettingSo the Melbourne Cup was yesterday, and people are outraged. Not because of the billions of hard-earned dollars the TAB takes from problem gamblers and drunken idiots every day, not because of the photos of those munted chicks passed out on the grass, but because two horses died.

It’s sad. I can openly admit that two of the saddest moments I’ve ever experienced in my life were the death of my dogs. Sure, family members and friends were more than sad, but I love animals. Not in a Corey Bernadi kind of way, but something much more wholesome.

Horses broke their legs, and were shot as a result. Or maybe one of them had a heart attack – they jury’s still out. I’m not sure where, but perhaps someone should call them back in. Animal rights activists are jumping around like mad, which I personally find insulting to the horse.

The Melbourne Cup should be banned, horse racing is a crime, everyone who bet is a bastard, rabble rabble rabble. I’m glad you feel passionate about something but for fucks sake calm down.

Look at the facts. The horse has a broken leg, which means it will most likely be shattered, and repairing it practically impossible. This isn’t exclusive to racehorses, other horses do it too.

“Should we execute people with a broken leg then, too?” I hear you asking in your dry leftist wit while the latte moustache settles on your top lip.

I’m all for it, but it’s a bit of a problematic comparison. If you break your leg as a human, you can get it fixed, prosthetically replaced, get a wheelchair, a cast, whatever you need. Or just chop it off and use some crutches – or chop both of them off and shoot your girlfriend through the bathroom door, if that works for you.

Getting a horse sedated enough to treat a broken leg is, I’d imagine, difficult enough, let alone an ambulance to fit the fucking thing in – and then what? Are they supposed to put some kind of horse-stairmaster-wheelchair-hybrid around the racetrack? Are trainers supposed to spare the expense of making their horse floats wheelchair accessible? Will THEY then be able to park in wheelchair spots? If they don’t, why not? It’s ANOTHER injustice to get passionate about – parking for disabled horses. Next thing you know there’s an online petition (there probably already are) and someone’s talking about it on the fucking Project on channel 10.

If a champion racehorse breaks its leg , do you really think the trainer wants it dead? Once the horse ends its already profitable career it can be put out to stud and continue the millions rolling in. They’re denying themselves even more revenue! Those heartless bastards.

And think of the horse- all a horse does in its life is run around and procreate, it’s a pretty rad existence if I say so myself – but if you knew that you were never going to be able to walk, run or fuck again, would you really want to live? If the horse possesses as much humanity and is as capable of emotive thought as you truly believe, isn’t there a chance it could be saying “kill me”? I know that’s pretty bleak but fark, you probably support euthanasia and the right to die for humans as well as your equine right to live. YOU HYPOCRITE!

Sure, we’ll never find out until horses start talking, but that’s at least 3 years away!

And think about it, next to dogs, horses probably are man’s best friend. We’ve worked together, gone in to war together, made appalling television together, the relationship has been immortalized, in poetry like Banjo Patterson’s ‘The Man from Snowy River’, and that unforgettable image of Napoleon.

The Melbourne Cup is worth millions of dollars, and has been going on for a fucking long time. Horse riding is the epitome of man’s relationship and control of the majestic animal kingdom, and whether it’s the Melbourne Cup, Grand National, or Kentucky Derby, it’s not going anywhere. Domesticating dogs was easy, domesticating horses gave us technological, transportation and evolutionary advancement. Of course they were always going to be our inferiors.

It’s here to stay, get used to it, go do something else, just shut up please. I could keep going but I’m losing momentum coming into the home straight. Hope I don’t get shot.

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