Javid’s Halloween Horror Hotels Guide

sh_8_3-620x463It’s Halloween – an occasion I can recognise the importance of, but also lament the importation of every year as more and more Australian kids join in on the distinctly American tradition of developing diabetes while wearing a costume. Anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. I eat way too much chocolate (or candy if you’re American) as it is. I don’t need a freaking occasion, OR a stupid costume. As a matter of fact it’s quite often a spoon and a jar of nutella in my underwear on the couch late at night.

But I’m getting off track.

I will say this, the work I’ve been undertaking (good, unintentional pun there) lately has a lot to do with hotels, and as we move towards this annual occasion I couldn’t help but wonder why the hell TripAdvisor or some other organisation hasn’t decided to embrace the theme. Who knows, maybe they have and I just missed it.

Anyway, if you’re driving through torrential rain in the middle of nowhere tonight, in desperate need of somewhere to stay before you crash and die, might I suggest either of these fine establishments, known the world over through their impact on film, your first choice this Halloween should be JAVID’S HALLOWEEN HOTEL RECOMMENDATIONS.

THE OVERLOOK HOTEL 

00002169755-star luxury in the Colorado Rocky Mountains
Spend the opening credits driving down a winding road and you’ll find yourself at Colorado’s prestigious Overlook Hotel. Bring the whole family for your winter vacation, with folksy-charm, acid-trip carpeting and elegant areas so spacious you’ll feel incredibly alone – you’ll want to stay forever! (and ever… and ever.)

Hedge your bets
Step outside and find the Overlook’s famous hedge maze (or hedge animals, depending on whether you saw the movie or read the book), perfect for hiding from friends or psychotically deranged loved ones for hours on end. If you’re not hitting the slopes you can hit the roque court, with mallets available for a smashing good time. You’ll be screaming “GIVE ME THE BAT” before you know it.

Friendly staff
From the folksy and off-putting charms of Chef Dick Halloran, to the delicious array of cocktails and murderous suggestions from Lloyd the Bartender (the best from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine), you’ll find a warm welcome in every room of the Overlook. Former caretaker and casual racist Delbert Grady is waiting in the stylishly-furnished bathrooms to wipe you down and refresh you for a fresh round of murderously pursuing your family. With a pantry big enough to lock your husband in, you’ll never go hungry… for food, anyway.

Have a laugh with Lloyd at the bar

Have a laugh with Lloyd at the bar

Charming rooms
All of our suites come with separate living areas and doors that only break down after a few good whacks. For the ultimate luxurious experience, head up to room 237 (or 217, whatever) for the deluxe bath & spa treatment including a sexy vigourous throat massage from our nude hostess. She’s a dead wringer!*

With family fun and relaxation guaranteed, why not stay at the Overlook this Halloween? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…

*best joke I’ve ever written.

THE BATES MOTEL

Psycho_042PyxurzPerfect for a romantic getaway
Whether you’re celebrating an anniversary or stealing $40,000, the Bates Motel is your perfect romantic rendezvous. This family-run motel provides serenity off the beaten track, only 15-minutes from Fairvale, not that you’ll want to go there in this weather…

Folksy charm
Enjoy the quality taxidermy on display in the parlour, or head up to the beautiful old house and observe the untouched serenity of the homely Bates family. It’s like it’s stuck in time. JUST DON’T GO IN THE CELLAR!

Meal with a mate
You’ll meet quirky Norman Bates, owner and proprietor of the Bates Motel. Learn all about his meager existence and the oppressive mother he still loves dearly over a delicious supper, or just watch him form an eerie silhouette in the upstairs window as you wonder whether pulling over was the right idea in the first place, I mean, there isn’t even free WiFi.

Rooms to die for
Each guestroom comes with a comfortable queen size bed, table, and daily newspaper service, perfect for stashing the money in before you get murdered. You’ll scream with delight over the powerful showers, and the surprise housekeeper and cabaret drag artist will happily provide ancient acupuncture with a knife before giving you the special blanket-wrap and pushing your car into the swamp with you in it. It’s a must-have experience.

The Bates Motel. It’s the mother lode of deserted accommodations.

And there you have it. Back to more legitimate pursuits I guess. I look forward to seeing all the kids dressed as Ebola tonight. I’ll lick them and scream I’M NOT SCARED!

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