The Bucket List: Getting Wet


We all have things in life we like to say we’ve put on our ‘bucket list’. Some of us actually write out said list, some of us just buy a bucket, but it’s not an unfamiliar concept by any means.

I’ve got a few of my own things on my ‘bucket list’ I suppose but I don’t intend to achieve all of them. I like to believe that nothing is impossible, but I figure if I make enough of them at least as I lie on my deathbed I’ll be able to look at a list that has a fair amount of things crossed off it.

That’s if I can see it past the giant erection I get as the result of Viagra abuse… and if I write out a list in the first place.

There are two categories I think we all use in one way or another when it comes to the bucket list, and they are destinations and experiences. That’s not to say that going to a destination can’t be an experience – but while sky diving you can do at a host of locations all over the world, the Galapagos Islands really need to be seen, no matter how good a job David Attenborough does (where do you think I got the erection?).

I have a host of both destinations I long to go to and experiences I long to have, and I’ll probably share some with you as I desperately grasp for some kind of humanising content to make you people like me.

I’m an avid fan of beaches. We can all appreciate the beauty and therapeutic powers of the simple act of sitting on a beach somewhere watching the tide roll in. What I like even more about them, I suppose, is the ocean.

I enjoy swimming but I’m not the biggest fan of pools, probably for the same reason I’m not a fan of the bath (as opposed to the shower – I DO bathe… sometimes). I enjoy swimming in the ocean infinitely more than many things in life and I’m still not entirely sure why. There’s definitely a calming aspect, there’s a certain element of risk, but also the thrill of being in the clutches of nature. I don’t get a surfboard, I get amongst it. I revel in being thrown about like a tissue you forgot to take out of your pocket before you put your pants in the washing machine. I leave white stuff all over your clothes… wait…

Anyway, the point I’m getting at is that one of the highest-priority items on my bucket list is to swim in every ocean in the world. By ‘every’ ocean I’m cheating a bit but I mean the North and South Atlantic, the North and South Pacific and the Indian Ocean.

Will I ever swim in the Southern Ocean and the Arctic Ocean? I’d like to say that one day I will (I actually enjoy swimming in freezing water) but I’m not going to be so ambitious just yet.

Rolling up the coast with my beaches

Rolling up the coast with my beaches

Thankfully, living on a giant island has already provided me with the opportunity to swim in the South Pacific so huzzah – but that still leaves 4 more.

I certainly can’t guarantee that it would play out the way I intend but here’s the plan… one of these days.

INDIAN OCEAN: I don’t even need to leave the country for this one. I’ve had the pleasure of going to Perth before but given the 24-hour nature of the visit I didn’t get the chance to jump in for a dip – and this was after I’d already added this to my bucket list, too! Thankfully I have a friend who lives in Perth, so one day I’ll go crash on his couch and then have someone tow it out into the Indian Ocean for me. Couch surfing – geddit? That’s right Chappo – my late night bodily functions won’t be the only thing ruining your couch this Christmas.

NORTH PACIFIC: It’s hard as an Australian not to say Hawaii so I’m not really going to try and avoid it. A picturesque island paradise with little more to do than wear tropical shirts with shorts that give you testicular cleavage, and swim in the ocean? Maybe walk on a volcano and play the ukulele? Sounds like my kind of place.

NORTH ATLANTIC While the idea of floating somewhere in the Caribbean appeals to me so very much I’m afraid that some of the more pedantic readers (READERS? Ha!) would claim that I’m wrong, as they’re actually in the Caribbean Sea! Well shut up, I’ll pick somewhere else then – although maybe I’ll just put that one on the list too.

I’ve always wanted to go to Morocco, North Africa and the Middle East. Perhaps not Iraq, Syria or Gaza right now but… around there. Casablanca is right on the coast, and they’re on the UAE Dirham so you feel rich when you get $3 back for every one of yours. Not only that, it’s CASABLANCA! After I’ve taken my dip in the North Atlantic I’m going to get myself some Tagine and walk around screaming “HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU KID” to all the locals – I’ve heard they love that. 

SOUTH ATLANTIC: Of course I was always going to enter the South Atlantic through South America, but Brasil doesn’t appeal to me. Sure there’s the Copacobana but if there’s one type of beach I hate, it’s a crowded one. I like a bit of space, where I can close my eyes and float around without the fear of awkwardly bumping into someone or a floating turd as I try to relax. I don’t think I’d get that there.

I also wouldn’t mind swimming in another ocean just a tiny bit baked, and since you so cruelly ruled out Jamaica previously my next port of call would be Montevideo, Uruguay. The beaches look just as lovely as those further North, it’s far less of a massive tourist destination and they recently legalised marijuana! It’s pretty much at the same latitude as New South Wales as well so I’d expect water the same temperature as I get here at home.

A world of aspiration...

A world of aspiration…

If not there, then it’ll have to be somewhere off the coast of the Galapagos Islands – but as they say in that famous Taco ad – PORQUE NO LAS DOS?

And that’s that… I could include a multitude of seas including the Mediterranean, Caspian, Dead, Red, etc, and I might get the chance to swim in them – but the list is the big enough.

Will I get to tick them all off? I’m not entirely confident – but if I can get through even half of them I’ll die a happy man.


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