At The Movies With Javid #13

HOW DOES A ROBOT EVEN SMOKE?

HOW – AND WHY – DOES A ROBOT EVEN SMOKE?

Let’s try one with a theme of ‘movies people were surprised Dave had never actually watched before’. That’s right, the next two movies, despite their respective places in cinematic folklore, had never previously played out before my eyes. Now that my cherry’s popped I’ll show you on the doll exactly where these films touched me. 

Blade Runner (1982)

Of course, having not seen it before, the first thing that struck me about this movie was always going to be “Oh my gosh! How young does Harrison Ford look!”

Then I got on Wikipedia. THIS GUY WAS BORN IN 1942! THAT MEANS HE WAS 40! He looks 28! No wonder he looked so freaking haggard in the Expendables. But I digress.

While I never saw the movie, I DID have the game on PC back in the early 90’s as a kid. It came on 4 CD’s for crying out loud so you knew it was good. There were blatant lifts that made me nostalgic but really I don’t see what all the fuss is about. That might be because I’m watching a film for the first time that was made in the early 80’s, and is set in 2019, right now in 2014.

It wasn’t just the futuristic ideals that were outdated (Pollution? Ha! Like that ever happened. The explosion of the asian population? Unlikely!) but a few things struck me as.. weird.

There’s a scene where Harry starts feeling a bit randy for the robot lady (I know my explanations are REALLY detailed) and she runs away. He pushes the door shut with his fist so she can’t get out, forces himself on her and demands she say ‘kiss me’ – it’s a bit creepy and rapey and in a world where robots can be that lifelike surely he can just get a sex one. C’mon.

Then there’s that final scene. WHERE THE FUCK DOES THE BAD GUY GET THAT DOVE FROM? DID HE JUST PULL IT FROM THE SKY? HE WASN’T WEARING A SHIRT! WAS IT STUFFED DOWN HIS PANTS? I JUST DON’T KNOW!? He’s not even wearing a shirt so he couldn’t hide the damn thing up his sleeve!

He saves the life of the guy he was trying to kill, gives a sad and somewhat poignant monologue before dying and letting that mystery bird go. I also love that the final scene plays out on a rooftop with neon advertising. Makes me think of Highlander.Then they run into an elevator and bam – the movie is over. What… the… hell…

So did I enjoy it? Yeah it was alright I guess. Way too much fucking saxophone for my liking but that was the 80’s for you. It makes some good points about artificial intelligence, humanity, death and all that jazz, so my advice would be don’t get (probably) too baked before/while watching it. Maybe that’s the reason I’m giving it a 6.5/10 

Die Hard (1988)

“Oh my god, you haven’t seen Die Hard? THE Die Hard?”

No, I hadn’t.

die-hard-1

While the 80’s was just.. weird with sci-fi as far as I’m concerned it truly was the golden era of mindless action films – and far out this is certainly mindless.

A bunch of German terrorists (SEVERELY overplayed – half of them probably weren’t even German. I sure know Alan Rickman isn’t) storm into a Christmas party to steal some shit or whatever generic reason terrorists needed back in the 80’s. Of course the one person attending the party who could save everyone is Willis – John McClane.

Who’s the only person not gathered in the main room when the terrorists make their entrance? Who else!?

The Germans shoot down some helicopters and murder some executives to show they’re not fucking around – but when it comes to taking care of one former cop who’s there for a Christmas party they’re completely stumped. Their aim is as bad as their accents and Willis has an answer for everything. I mean, he was right THERE Alan. Sure he gave you an unloaded gun but you could have whacked him over the head with it!

How none of the bad guys managed to figure out that McClane’s wife was in the building amazed me as well, with her constantly telling anyone within fucking EARSHOT that she knew who it was up in the vents. Surely any of her co-workers could have said “hey guys, you let me go and I’ll give you this guys ex-wife!” Was their office culture really that trusting? Insane.

Good for McClane, though. It’s action with humans which, as I’ve ranted numerous times now, beats the hell out of CGI. Give me a real explosion any day – it’s nice to know something really got blown up.

In the grand scheme of things this is a pretty run-of-the-mill action movie. It doesn’t dazzle, it doesn’t wow, but it’s enjoyable.

And it still freaking SHITS all over Transformers (I’ll get over it one day, I promise) 7.5/10 

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