Baby Got Hacked

Who needs a naked pic when there are thousands of these?

Who needs nudity? fapfapfapfapfap

I understand the issues that have been raised by the recent celebrity picture cloud-hacking-scandalgate, even if they don’t affect me personally.

Before you forget what that issue is and think solely in terms of bewbs and poo-say, remember that nudity is NOT the issue. Everyone should be allowed to take naked pictures of themselves, it’s your God-given right, dammit!

My parents took a multitude of pictures of me in the bath and even one incredibly embarrassing picture of me on the toilet when I was younger. Who would pay for that? No one – at least I hope not, anyway.

We all have photos that we wish could never see the light of day. I’m not sure what my point was just then, but now you get to enjoy the mental image of me sitting on the toilet or lazing about the bath with strategically-placed foam. Mmmm.

The issue focuses on the security of our private, personal information, what happens to it when we delete it and the potential detriments of ‘remote storage points’ and their own security protocols.

Remember when Wikileaks happened? How Julian Assange and his affiliates were lauded as modern-day saviours to everyday people FOR SHARING STATE SECRETS ON THE FUCKING INTERNET? Sure, he’s maybe a little bit of a rapist in Sweden but he was still cheered by many for ‘bringing down’ the institutionalised power structure that, funnily enough, still exists today. Cheering an alleged rapist for bringing ‘social justice’ through theft – ha! Those were the days.

Did wanting to know these secrets make us criminals or accessories? I doubt it. Did the significant majority of us even go over to Wikileaks and trawl through documents ourselves? I doubt it. Did reading the findings of media outlets who were able to get these expansive documents and summarise them into paragraphs really convey any particular cause of distrust for anyone out there? Enough to change their lives? I doubt it.

Did it change anything? No – but because it was the sharing of classified documents from our conceived ‘oppressors’ given to us by digital ‘liberators’, we lapped up the idea and saw it as noble. A few years later, Assange is still holed up in the embassy, still accused of being rapey, and fewer and fewer people give a shit about him or Wikileaks – he did worse than Clive Palmer in the Federal election for fucks sake.

Then there were the scandalous facts that came out a few months ago – that our beloved online servers like Google, Facebook and more were collecting data about us and our preferences and using this to establish profiles and target specific marketing at us! God forbid. Even the government wants to collect our history!

And remote storage – ha! First of all, to trust one of these servers for ‘security’ in any sense is like trusting Stevie Wonder to catch you as you jump from a burning building. Companies use programs like these to archive team projects, provide a point for multiple people to access the same files and generally back up anything that might serve a purpose later – all great reasons to use a remote server.

To use these systems simply for personal use is a bit silly. Go and buy a portable hard-drive, copy it across. Did you honestly think that trusting your files to a random online server you know barely anything about was a good idea? Did you think that once you deleted this file from your phone it should, somehow, automatically delete itself from an online server you didn’t know you were using? Ha!

That’s another thing! Many of these people are claiming that they didn’t know their files were being backed up. Sorry, who was supposed to? If you think ‘who reads the terms and conditions?’ you should go and watch the human centipad episode of South Park. A company should not have to pay, or show any remorse, for the fact that you were stupid enough to rush headlong into a contract without reading it properly. If you bother to briefly go through the ‘settings’ folder on your phone outside of setting your goddam ringtone you’d have a better understanding.

The internet is already rife with celebrity porn, some of it real, and a whole SHIT LOAD of it fake – like, massive amounts. Heck, with just a tiny bit of photoshop I could make some fake celebrity porn right now. Who knows, I might later.

By admitting that these photos are real, and stolen, they’re given a worth and legitimacy that they would never have been able to obtain online. They go from being ‘just another picture’ to ‘THE picture’ of that naked celebrity.

Consider for a second the way online ‘theft’ works. Look at the massive problems that have faced many aspects of the entertainment industry in the last decade or so. Through one person’s act of theft, which the rest of us consider a gracious act, thousands of us are given access, for free, to something we shouldn’t be allowed to have.

Yes, the celebrities in question have cause for grievance even if they are, to a (very small) point, accountable themselves.

Yes, the issue of online security of personal material needs to be seriously addressed, but why is it wrong to say that maybe these people should have thought twice before using their instantly connected phone to take naked pictures of themselves? It’s not about pinning the blame, it’s about recognising what YOU can do to make a difference next time in a world where people don’t care about your personal security.

There are regular cameras, digital cameras, hand-held video cameras, why did it have to be your phone? Convenience? Privacy and convenience often don’t go hand in hand.

If governments can be hacked for confidential information and we call it a victory, why do we care so much when some celebrity mobile phone accounts are hacked for some naked pictures? Was anyone shoving a pineapple up themselves? There’s a good chance none of these pictures are shocking.

I'd pay to see that

I’d pay to see that!

Yes, to have your ‘personal’ naked pictures ‘stolen’ from a place you didn’t even know you’d put them is cause for alarm, and who knows, this might finally be the catalyst we need to properly address the need for comprehensive individual online security – but one more question – what’s the concern for their use? That guys are going to masturbate to these images of you without paying for the pleasure to do so? Without the pictures they’d just use their imagination, trust me.

I’m not trying to condone the actions of the online community when it comes to stealing and distributing content illegally – but if the millions or billions its cost the entertainment industry, the global child porn rings and the government security hacking didn’t create change, are a couple of celebrity nudes going to do it? By engaging with the story you’re creating the exact market conditions that the depraved individuals are seeking – interest in something completely irrelevant.

You can cloak it in the rhetoric of feminism or sex crime, or go the other way and call them stupid for taking the pictures in the first place, but before you do, you should probably stop watching Game of Thrones and lauding Julian Assange and co. as heroes while you do it.

Much like actual Wikileaks content, and half the shows that the world downloads illegally, there’s an incredibly high chance that less than 0.0000000000001% of the population are going to see these pictures anyway. I know that’s ‘not the point’ but here’s hoping it provides these celebs with peace of mind.

THEY’RE PICTURES! NOBODY FAPS TO PICTURES ANYMORE! IT’S NOT 1997!

 

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