At The Movies With Javid #01

Hmmm introduction.. let’s see.. I have seen some movies. Here are some reviews. I hope you enjoy them, etc. For now I’ll stick to new ones, but I might go back and review some old ones at some stage too. I had intended to have something epic to write about after such a long break, but… suck it.

The Monuments Men

“We’re going to make how much for this crap?”

I feel I can be forgiven for having slightly high expectations for this one. An all star cast including the likes of Cloon-tang, Bill Murray, John Goodman, Matt Damon, and one hell of an interesting true story about the preservation of art and culture during the Second World War hooked me like a fish. Unfortunately, much like a hooked fish I was left flopping about, gasping for the proverbial air of decent character and plot development, slowly being cut open and having my innards of enjoyment removed with a rusty knife.

Sure, there’s a lot to cover and you could be forgiven for accelerating through parts of the story, but much like a coked-up Italian playboy on the Autobahn with a brick for a foot this movie just doesn’t know when to slow down. Except for in close-ups meant to convey emotion you’ve little understanding of because you haven’t had time to understand what the fuck is going on.

Sure, there are a few good scenes, some nice landscape pans, some clever little jokes in the dialogue, but it would help if you understood why a character felt the way they did. While Murray and Goodman are busy playing Murray and Goodman in soldier costumes, Damon, Clooney and co phone it in. Cate Blanchett pulls out her best accent since the last Indiana Jones film.

I hope it doesn’t take a global genocide to ensure this film is erased from history, but you never know. 7/100

Wolf Creek 2

I’m OK with saying I enjoyed the first Wolf Creek film. It wasn’t as scary as the decade that Robert Hughes has ahead of him but it had enough to give you the heebee jeebees and perhaps best of all, had a uniquely Australian flavour, like a Kangaroo smothered in Vegemite. Admittedly after reading the reviews a while ago I didn’t have the highest of hopes for the sequel, but I thought ‘Hey, it might be fun!’

Was I wrong? Can the Pope ride a unicycle? I honestly don’t know but I’m interested to find out (about the Pope that is, the movie was awful).

From first minute to last the film is more stereotypes than a Rob Schneider film, from the arrogant Aussie cops to the German and British backpackers – but perhaps the worst is Mick Taylor himself. They’ve taken him from an outback madman to a homicidal bogan who says ‘cunt’ more than Christopher Pyne or a drunk tradie down at the Colyton Hotel. Suspense has been thrown away for the sake of needless gore. I don’t really need to see John Jarratt chop a dead guys dick right from his body. You could have implied it and made it far more terrifying, and reduced my desire to both laugh and vomit.

After apprehending a ‘pommy cunt’ backpacker and tying him up in his underground dungeon, we’re treated to an eerie and nonsensical rendition of ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport’ and a surprisingly enticing scene that shows what could be mistaken for the Australian Citizenship Test of the not-so-distant future.

The scariest scene of the entire film is the final one, as Mick Taylor walks through the heat haze off into the outback, and you shudder at the implication that a third one of these films could ever be made. It wouldn’t surprise me if this movie was solely responsible for cuts to Arts funding in the latest budget. Still, it was better than Monuments Men. 24/60

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OWYAGOAN CARNTS! ACCADACCA!

The Lego Movie

After all that pessimism it’s onto what I assumed was a kids movie – but with a decent voice cast and a remotely amusing trailer I thought I’d give it a go. Why the hell not? I watched the other two didn’t I?

It’s the story of an every day Legoman named Andy (well, that’s his name on Parks and Rec anyway), who circumstantially winds up with an organisation, with a wise old black Legoman who believes that he’s ‘the one’. He works side by side with a lego-lady who thought that she was the one and is initially cold to Legoman ‘One’ and doubts him. He also doubts himself, and everyone doubts him, until he realises his potential as ‘The One’ and saves everyone from an evil man who has plans for keeping everyone in a permanently fixed state forever!

So it’s the Matrix with Lego. Except instead of a constantly miserable, mumbling Keanu Reeves you get a protagonist who’s an always upbeat, shouty Lego man.

And it’s freaking awesome. Snappy writing, great performances, amazing animation and more. Yes, it gets a bit thick when they try to bring it in to the real world and make it sentimental but it’s tolerable enough to get you back to the action. The most heart warming part of it all is the moral of the story. While some naïve people might think it’s about never losing your imagination and believing in yourself, you’ve also enjoyed a subliminal message about ensuring that anarchy rules and brings down the established order. Society will crumble, eventually, and I blame this movie. Four stars. 8/10     giphy And there you go. If you’re going to base your decision to see these movies based on my judgement, please write in and tell me why. Until next time!

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One thought on “At The Movies With Javid #01

  1. Lots of fun to read, still chuckling. Very clever. Looking forward to the next ones 🙂

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